i just woke up from a dream. i’ve had dreams like this before, but none quite like this. my dad is home visiting, so i can see why he’s made an appearance in my dreams again… it is hard to describe the terror, disgust, and overall hatred i feel when i’m around my father. i don’t know whether he seems worse in dreams, or more open and vulnerable. he was quiet when he arrived yesterday, but the memories of his loud sometimes shrill voice still sting me within. but, the dream. i don’t remember everything he yelled at me or threw at me, but tears are still streaming down my face. in the end i was able to chase him out of the house with a guitar. on the street he seemed defeated and left. i wish i could be rid of him altogether. but i wonder if it would happen in this fashion, if i would have to endure more emotional and psychological pain than i already have. at the end of the dream, i found my mom peacefully sitting on the couch and when i asked her why she did nothing, she said that she had taken medication and it had made her drowsy. that is too eerily like real life.
this part of my life that causes me so much pain seems to be too painful (or not painful enough??) to share with others. i try but just get feigned sympathy in response. or simply a lack of understanding, because some people can’t imagine what it’s like to have parents who are like this. i’m tired of trying to share my burden and feeling like i’m just burdening other people. my head is always heavy with thoughts, and it’s surprising how few people want to/can bear to hear them.
“People speak sometimes about the ‘bestial’ cruelty of man, but that is terribly unjust and offensive to beasts, no animal could ever be so cruel as a man, so artfully, so artistically cruel.”—Fyodor Dostoyevsky (via 3zil-nafsi)
“Suicidal feelings are not the same as giving up on life. Suicidal feelings often express a powerful and overwhelming need for a different life. Suicidal feelings can mean, in a desperate and unyielding way, a demand for something new. Listen to someone who is suicidal and you often hear a need for change so important, so indispensable, that they would rather die than go on living without the change. And when the person feels powerless to make that change happen, they become suicidal.
Help comes when the person identifies the change they want and starts to believe it can actually happen. Whether it is overcoming an impossible family situation, making a career or study change, standing up to an oppressor, gaining relief from chronic physical pain, igniting creative inspiration, feeling less alone, or beginning to value their self worth, at the root of suicidal feelings is often powerlessness to change your life – not giving up on life itself.